Entitled

cruelyouth:

witchsistah:

dumbthingswhitepplsay:

cruelyouth:

*hugs just because* <3

I hear of a lot of PoC going through what I went through (including multiple hospitalizations and suicidal thoughts), and more and more, I’m believing it’s not a coincidence at all.

And yeah, I live in constant fear that…

I think a lot of folks recovering from past abuse have a lashing out period.  I know I’m still going through mine and for the same reasons as most of you, because I let too much shit go and slide to the point it literally made ME severely ill with depression.  I feel like if I let some shit slide now, I’ll just be on the same, fucked-up, slippery slope to WTF-ville I put myself on too many times before.  I haven’t yet developed the skill of being able to tell when and where to bow the fuck out and who to cuss the fuck out and when.  I’m not there yet and really don’t know if I’ll ever get there.

I really think it’s near impossible to know when to bow out.  With me now, I think I bow out of too many situations way too quickly, and then I just completely isolate myself.  And then I can still let things build up to the point that I either explode or implode.

See, I do that now.  I’ve been doing that for about ten years now.  I am ready to cut folks off completely with a snap of my fingers.  See, I don’t like being around people I know I cannot trust.  I’m an introvert and social interaction is draining on me as it is.  Watching what I say and do around folks I cannot trust or know to be  hostile towards me is added stress, burden and effort on top of everything.  So when you show me even a glimpse of being sketch, I’m out.  I don’t know how to really fake it in someone’s presence though I’m learning.  I’m either all out or all in.

I’m dealing with those emotions now.  I’m looking at my current bunch of friends and finding them wanting in some key areas.  Emotionally, I’ve pulled back from them.  I seem the same to them because they never really paid much attention to me anyway.  I was just window dressing to them.  I suspect I am their “Black friend.”  That’s how I feel now.  My instinct is to just cut ‘em off.  But my husband is trying to show me how not to be so extreme all the time.  But this bitch is HARD.  So I mostly just isolate myself in my house where I got my books, cable and internet.